Again, this might be something I might take back after a few years. But I will put it down anyway to let off some steam.
Lately, I’ve had this realization and somehow it bothers me a lot. So many questions cluttered my already banged up brain regarding things that surround me. Somehow, I find myself pausing to think and question my position at the moment.
I find myself today a so called leader of a youth group or at least one of them. Mind you, I never desired for this, neither did I ask for it. I just did what I could for the ministry. I don’t mean to say that I don’t enjoy it. In fact, it’s actually the opposite, I love what I am doing.
Yet beyond the laughter and the sunshine, I couldn’t help but notice why so few find time to smile along. It may not be noticeable at first, but the frowns and raised eyebrows are imminent through their façade. The buzzing never stops and I really think it wouldn’t since there’s no way you could please everyone. Yet what bothers me is the fact that our group seems not to do anything about it or if ever we did, it doesn’t seem enough to solve the current predicament.
We seem to leave our prospective nakama behind whenever we feel that they fell short of fitting into our mold. We seem to forget that our purpose is to draw people in, not push them out when they seem too sensitive about things or too ill-mannered for our tastes. Sometimes we forget that our goal is to help others grow and improve as we grow and improve. We need to see for ourselves that our purpose is to constantly grow and lead others in growing.
I am just a part of the body and one of the more immature ones at that, yet I find it troubling that even we fail to grow at times.
I find myself troubled over the fact that most social gatherings are pushed through while most of the things that should really matter like Bible studies and seeking for the truth fail to materialize. I find myself troubled over that fact that some of us seem to be nothing more than even organizers and fair-weathered people and not try to reach out more. I find it more troubling how we fail to inform, train, teach and learn and instead, we plan and seek out fun amongst ourselves.
What is happening? How come ministries don’t work that well? How come we get crappy responses from people and I mean not just a few but most? Are we really an exclusive group whose openness is limited only by your personality and ability to adapt into the group? Shouldn’t we instead be people who are flexible and able to interact with any type of person regardless of personality, capability and stability?
Again I say that I find myself still immature to understand things. I find myself still seeking for the right direction to take. I find myself still stumbling over trifles and whims that totally waste my time and effort. I find myself alone.
What could we do about it? What should I do about it, when my voice seems to be unheard and my compulsions seem to drive me away as well from what I should be doing? How do I get the people back on track – people older and more experienced than me?
I honestly don’t know at all. So I could only rant and whine on my own corner.
I just hope someone hears me.
I just pray that someone would take me under his or her wing, slap me on the face until it bled and teach me the right path. I pray someone would hit me until I died so that I could return back to the task at hand.
And it’s not a love life that I need – at least not necessarily. I think I need a mentor, someone who would see the shit in me and push me to wash myself on the face. If it’s someone who was sent by God to be my partner so be it, but I wanted someone who could counsel me whenever I fall down ranting like this.
If there’s someone you know, just let me know.